Welcome to the secret society

Who would’ve thought that a doorway to rediscovering meaning in something larger than myself would arrive in such a small package.

A fear I had: in having a baby, I would lose myself, pour everything into him, make my child my purpose, escape any other creative responsibility and put undo pressure — the weight of my unlived life, as Jung would say — on an innocent little one.

So much that I interpreted about motherhood warned me that my life would shrink.

While I do pour 100% into him, I have been made larger. My life has grown deeper and more expansive. I've found new rooms within myself that hold fresh ponderings about my relationship to the world, making me wonder what other rooms exist. New energy reserves are tapped in ways that surprise me. I am not smaller, and I am not just a mom — though I wear this badge more easily now and with a cozy satisfaction. It reminds me that I contain multitudes. It reconnects me to the infinite.

Like a multi-paned mosaic, I find myself regularly flooded with colored reflection.

Like any good mosaic, there was first some shattering. But then, I have been shattered before. This, though. This feels like the most necessary shattering of all… the kind that breaks limiting spells of the larger culture and so many doubts, confusions I once frittered my time with. The cracks have let all the light come through. That light is Stellan, from the top of his curly hair to his perfect little toes, becoming his own person. It's Manny becoming a Dad. It's the joy in their eyes. Experiencing us become a family together.

•••

Upon hearing I'd had a baby since we last met, an older woman leaned in with her smirk, eyes all lit up: “Welcome to the secret society.” She almost whispered it. The Mother's Club, with its plain door, hiding all the shimmering beauty inside. The magic of this little hospitality washed over me and I bathed in the covert warmth of an elder’s invitation.